The Big Unit Goes Down
Scenes from the Bird Council
Henri Robin: There exists between species a clear difference in attitudes with regard to territoriality. Therefore, it makes no sense to force all species to abide by the same nest location ordinance.
Murphy Swallow: I reject the notion that these are biological differences. Instead, I ask fellow members of the council to consider why it only seems to be certain particular species whose mere presence seems to agitate the Robins to such a degree.
Henri Robin: Do you mean to accuse my relatives of something? Because what you are suggesting is not something we will take lightly.
** hurried entrance **
Flora Pigeon: Excuse me, everyone — I come with important news!
Murphy Swallow: Flora, how many times must we repeat the policy about interrupting council meetings?
Chairman Hudson Heron: Now, now — it’s not as if anything was being achieved with the prior arguments. The two of you were merely flying in circles. Surely, we can take a moment to hear the esteemed informant.
Flora Pigeon: Thank you, sir. I came as quickly as possible with reports from the humans. It is regarding him, the one they call “The Big Unit.”
Chairman Hudson Heron: You mean Randy Johnson?
Flora Pigeon: Yes, Chairman. At long last, it seems he has run out of feathers. He has…passed away.
** Raucous applause **
Gian Jay: Wooooo! It’s about damn time!
Murphy Swallow: Justice has finally been served!
Chairman Hudson Heron: Settle down, everyone. Settle down! I understand this is very sudden and there are many emotions in the room. Flora, are we sure this is true?
Flora Pigeon: Indeed. Multiple sources confirm that he had suffered a heart attack on Tuesday and passed away this morning.
Gian Jay: Motion to adjourn today’s session! Today is a day to be celebrated for years to come!
Henri Robin: Hold on a moment. I’m a bit disappointed in everyone. Is it really appropriate for us to celebrate a death of any kind?
Murphy Swallow: Oh, piss off, Robin. He was a murderer! Are you going to say such a thing in front of Delilah? That was one of her own!
Delilah Dove: As you all know, the Dove family has never stopped mourning the loss of Shaun. While I can understand Mr. Robin’s point, I do feel quite relieved that perhaps this can bring us some level of closure.
Gian Jay: As it should. This is tremendous news for not only the Doves but all Avians. Anyone to suggest otherwise is insane!
Chairman Hudson Heron: Gian — a bit of respect, please.
Henri Robin: Listen, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here. All I’m saying is that Randy Johnson’s intention wasn’t to kill a bird when he threw that fastball. It was a terrible accident.
Murphy Swallow: Then how come he never apologized? For God’s sake, don’t act like the man cared one bit about us. Have you seen the logo he chose for his photography company?
To the humans, that moment is famous. It’s funny to them! They show it over and over again with no respect for us whatsoever, and I’ll never forgive them for it.
Henri Robin: Because they’re humans and we’re birds! They don’t consider it actual malice — it’s just kind of a curiosity. They wouldn’t treat video of a human dying the same way.
Gian Jay: Doesn’t that make it worse? That they don’t even acknowledge us as being intelligent creatures?
Murphy Swallow: Of course it’s worse! They kill us every day and act as if it’s nothing. The entire poultry industry is just raising us for slaughter! And duck hunting season? That’s a sport to them. The monsters they are! I’m sick just thinking about it!
Henri Robin: As if there aren’t carnivorous birds? There are members of this very council whose species will kill other birds or feed from eggs. Hawks, owls, even some jays, and yet you would still attack me, Gian?
Is there such a thing as ethics where it disputes with biology?
Gian Jay: Don’t you dare attack my family!
Henri Robin: There’s hypocrisy everywhere, don’t you even try to deny it. I would argue it’s far more insidious to be a bird who kills other birds.
Chairman Hudson Heron: I will REMIND everyone that the purpose of this council is to work together to find solutions that will improve the quality of life for birds. If we can’t cooperate with one another or at least be civil, we aren’t doing anyone any favors.
Flora Pigeon: If I may propose a question — where should we draw the line between what is acceptable and what is not? I imagine no one here would think twice about stepping on an ant or eating a worm.
Murphy Swallow: Certainly not.
Henri Robin: And therein lies the problem, because that’s how humans see us. We are ants or worms — larger maybe. I don’t think it’s a perfect comparison, but we’re closer to them than other people. And should size really be the determining factor on what creatures are okay to harm?
Murphy Swallow: Perhaps it could be based on complexity or intellectual capacity of some sort?
Henri Robin: But you’d still have to draw a line somewhere, and it will always be murky. Besides, who wants to play God?
** Silence **
Henri Robin: Exactly.
Chairman Hudson Heron: Well, it does seem we’ve all been given something to think about. In any case, this is a day of great significance, and in light of the news, I believe it’s only appropriate for us to all be with our own loved ones and communities. Life is clearly fragile. Today’s session is hereby adjourned.
